PRAUGE REPORT

From Hubbllini & Martini

The following is a combined report from Gramps and Hollywood.

The Prague campaign was a great success, both on and off the ice. And before the tongue in cheek comments start we know we speak for every one when by thanking Raki, Peter, Steph and Marty for their arranging this great trip.

Every time we as a group go on one of these trips we fortunately or unfortunately get a little more insight into various team members, however a little bit of this latter on.

PRELUDE TO TOURNEY / THE SHOCK TROUPS ARRIVE

MONDAY
The first assault on Prague was made by Hollywood. Reports have it that he arrived at the airport flings open the exit doors to the airport and shouts to all that is listing "Alright you beautiful Czech women I am here, and I am ready" and he did not surface till noon on Tuesday. When he awakes he notices the hotel, and he says this will do (I Think), more comments about the hotel later.

TUESDAY
Marty stirs just in time to meet Capper (Peter) who was the next to arrive. The Capper and Marty plan organizing stuff, Peter dutifully goes off to organize the tourney and Marty dutifully goes of to look for more beautiful Czech women. This becomes Marty's sort of scheduling priority for the rest of the tourney. Hockey girls, tour bar guide, girls, hockey, tour bar guide, hockey, girls tour bar guide,.... You get the picture there was rumour that Raki arrived, but it really was only a rumour, he doesn't let anybody know. Peter was organizing the tournament all day, all night. Marty gets wasted with his Czech (check the spelling, Rob) friends, takes the beer scooter to the hotel, wakes up Wed morning with plaster dust (he hopes) all over him (a little more hint about the hotel).

WEDNESDAY
Raki suppose to be in town still has not made contact. Nobby, Mace + friend (Dan) arrive midnight. They eat KFC and end up in some bar and get ripped off. No word from Raki. Marty is in bed all day - possible alcohol poisoning from previous night. There is rumour that Tweedy is somewhere in town. Peter is still hard a work organizing the tournament.

THURSDAY
It's the Nobby and Mace show, titled Nobby and Mace Does Prague. N&M attacked Prague like geography students on a field trip. Nobby was in charge of discovering the tram lines, and Mace reconnoitred the street lay out. It was reported that Mace was seen helping a traffic cop direct traffic, and Nobby was seen collecting fares on the trams. By Monday when they left they had seen all the sights from all angles and at all times of the day. Gramps reported that on a late night short cut walk back to the hotel from the Yagar bar, he was given a tour on where to swear at Gypsies, where to roll your fists up in case you were attacked. (Gramps was just thankful he was with Mace). No stone was untouched and they will be writing there own tour guide to Prague in a couple of days. Gramps and Marty have negotiated the screen rights, and the old Carry On Gang wants in on the action.

It was also reported that Baz and Wife, Nick and Trevor, and Mike R, Dwayne, Helmet (Graham), arrive. Arrived early to see the sights, but kept a low profile.

Marty, Nobby, Mace + Dan go out on a pub crawl. Dan asks Marty if he knows where he can score some weed. No!! Mace orders a typical Czech meal for dinner. An elephant bone with meat on it arrives to feed a small nation. Mace wants to know what's for desert. Hook up with Dwayne, Petr, and Helmet & Mike to go to Jagr Bar. Drink Becherovka (that Czech liquor) and more beer - Marty/Nobby/Mace/Dan loaded already, Dwayne not feeling too hot. Back to hotel, Marty & Mike go for a beer; Nobby/Mace/Dan & Helmet end up in some kind of park and love it. Apparently, in Czech parks it costs money to go in ...

No word from Raki or Tweedy. Peter goes and does some more organizing. Marty goes to visit his Czech friends and rolls into Dwayne's room around 4. 30 Am. On a beer scooter.

THE TOURNEY STARTS FRIDAY MORNING
Marty is up at 6am to go pick up Billy from airport. Raki & Peter at the rink from 9am to organize stuff. Billy Gilbert arrives - distinctly fresh from a 10 hour flight (with no sleep apparently). He has a distinct yellow down jacket on. To the rink to see Raki & Peter, Raki is trying to organize and Peter is organizing. Then to the hotel to check in. OK, we'll call it a youth hostel for now. Dave Tweedy is in Prague with his girl friend but no word from him.

Early that morning back in Heathrow at two different locations Rufus and Gramps are trying to find where their tickets are, they are no where to be found and they both have to buy new tickets or not make their flights.

On the flight Gramps is saying £ 500, pounds last year and I get turned away at the border, £ £440 pounds so far this year and I have not seen the outside of the Prague airport. Now in Gramps own words " The flight comes into a smooth landing, and I get off the plane, everyone seems friendly but will I get through the immigration line. I think just be cool, think of Rob he would be cool, no better not too playboyish, no think of Duane, no too moosheish northern Canadian, no think of Rufus, no too American, think of Peter, no too nice, think of, think of Marty no too much, No I got it Think of John Glenny. Last years shimozzel still haunts me, I am not thinking straight. I walk towards the immigration desk, my mouth is dry every step is laboured, I come to the line I look into the administrative beurocratic frown of the dutified immigration officer, it is the same face you see on every immigration officer. I smile, the sweat runs off my nose on to my passport. He says in broken English there is a problem here your passport is not signed, after about two minutes of heated discussion, I show him how the old passport that is stapled to the new passport has my signature on it, I sign it and he lets me through. I take a short trip to the toilet to clean out my pants." BUT I am in the Czech Republic and it only took a thousand pounds.

At the Airport by the baggage rack the team met up from there various flights there was Steff, Alf, Rob, Bruce, the Welshies and Kevin. True to his word Raki had the cabs there for us. Due to a Taxi excursion, Kevin Bruce and Gramps arrive at the hotel and nobody is there we don't know when the game is. We throw our gear into the rooms, and as Gramps is picking Bruce up he asks him if he needs any sand paper for his sticks, Gramps gives him a non-understanding look, then he adds, because he just had a shit and the toilet paper would do.

Now let us stop here. The hotel was clean and functional, and the rooms were large, no TV, (This kept Helmut complaining about no X-rated videos, the elevator would not fit any more than one person and a small hockey bag. The majority of the hotel was under construction, and you had to step over piles of rubbish, tools and the odd workman. However I am quite surprised that none of the bachelors hit on the young desk clerk she was quite cute. (Probably the problem was the most of the hustlers were either too drunk going into the hotel and too hung over going out to notice)

Due to our round about, over hill around dale taxi ride we were a bit late for the first game (5 minutes). But we won, and Tweedy and Raki finally surface.

Gramps is wearing a hat with all his pins collected from 43 years of hockey and Duane and Marty are making fun of his ensemble, but when you look at Duane with his Granny glasses, clothes his wife buys him and bowling shoes, and Marty with his peroxide blonde hair and red peroxide skin burns around the edge, and the two hats that Marty and Duane were wearing made Gramps look cool and that is hard to do.

Friday evening after the games Graham suggested we have dinner at Tesco's and go out to TGIF's and he was black balled from any further planning. We went to a communal team dinner with Chiefs, some Slovaks and Wild Sid at Meduzzy (restaurant owned by Marty's friend Martin) from 9pm. Beers, food, etc for approx. 40 people. We had a small bus and captive driver that drove us around, it was getting to be quite a problem, collecting the money so Master Military Mind Baz took over the staging of the troupes, and did a masterful job, (it helped that Nobby gave him some hints that he learned on the trams). Leave at midnight - approx. £6 per head. Raki shows up as we're leaving. Bus onto the club "Le Fabrique" with only a few opting for the hotel & early night. Good move. Biily's still holding up - some 38 hours without sleep now. Drinks (all), dancing (Bruce), cavorting (Robbie gets the number of the hostess with the mostest) and drama of epic proportions (Welshy loses his fucking sweatshirt). Dan asks Marty if he knows where he can score some weed. No. Petr is trying it on with Marty's girl, Marty & his girl could be up for it. Stef is trying it on with anybody, some of the Chiefs could be up for it. Billy finally loses his battle and throws a table-top forehead (asleep on the table). Marty escapes with his chicka, Petr is visibly upset and goes for the nearest breathing thing (after first checkin Billy out)- a good looking transvestite (sorry, Petie, if you didn't notice). Don't know what happened afterwards as Marti was rather busy but we hear that Raki showed up, Robbie didn't score, Petie did and Welshy (thank fuck) found his sweatshirt. Tweedy is lost again. Graham discovers an escort service and blows his budget among other things.

SATURDAY
Because everyone was out late (except for Gramps) Gramps did a wake up call to get up for breakfast, and make the bus for our first game. When Gramps went up to give Maty and Billy their wake up, their door was open, they were laying sprawled out on two single beds shoved together, with a construction worker staring in on them. We do not know where the Indian Chief, The Cowboy, the Though Guy were, but this definitely looked like a YMCA video.

Hockey again, we won and tied. Dinner at Jagr Bar with fewer people. Good food, lots of beer, watching a fight, Mace worries every one as he gets very involved in the fight, then Slovakia lose to Germany, Steph is shattered, Raki would have been shattered but he was not there. Graham wins the world record for sending food back. But Mace and Nobby eat all the turn downs. Missed Tweedy with his Missus due to late change of plans. Gramps and his body guard Mace go home early (alluded to earlier). Dan asks Marty if he knows where he can score some weed. No.

Dwayne, Rob, Al, Bill, Marty & Steff go cruising the streets and end up in a club high above the rooftops of Prague. You can imagine that elevated view points can attract not only sightseeing but the desire to throw something over .... Hasty retreat follows (but we did compete prior to that in stupid dancing routines. Billy's "car reversing" + "window cleaning" narrowly edged Al's "I lost the puck" + "Pole dance", followed by Rob/Dwayne/Marty's jump routine. Walk thru Prague streets, meet a homeless guy. Billy swaps his yellow down jacket for a wolf skin sheep coat that looks and smells like Nobby's kit bag. Also, there could be something living in the coat .... but it sure is warm. Alf has an idea: "Let's put all of our money together, go to a casino and let it all ride on black". Done. Unfortunately, they won't let us in because Marty's wearing tracksuit pants (FUCKERS! Those are DKNY club pants!!)Onto a Hard Rock Cafe (a very unique Hard Rock cafe). Ideas start flowing: "Hey fellas, let's all buy our own bar here. We'll call it ..... "WHATEVER" (with sections named "nothing", "anytime", "3rd man in" and "anal" ). Leave after one beer, try and steal a keg on the way out. End up in a club, more beers, everybody's practically dead - it's 6.30am.

SUNDAY
Gramps does his wake up call again, Marty and Billy found in same situation door open, no construction worker, Gramps tries unsuccessfully to wake them up, gives up, tries to get Marties phone number, and is given a house of ill repute.

Gramps and Bruce and Kevin take off on a shopping tour, Bruce is sure in touch with his feminine side when it comes to shopping, he wants to look at everything, wines about his feet, and wants to take a cab every where. We get to the old city and Bruce walks away with half a crystal store, with no idea how he is going to get it all on the plane, and on top of this he buys two marionettes abort 3 feet long each. Kevin and Gramps however are not in touch with their feminine side when it comes to shopping - in - out bought - done, but they are sensitive and they both put up with Bruce's feminine side. (Or was it his conscience for his behaviour???? Well the crystal will make up for Paisley but he still owes her for Prague)

Finally every one gets together (no Raki and still no Tweedy). And they go on the Hollywood Walking tour of Prague. It's a miracle we wake up but fresh air, good lunch and a beer sort all the drunks out. At dinner Billy Gilbert and Helmut had a discussion about his porn collection and his porn star girlfriend. Sam was unfortunately sitting beside them and had Helmut inflicted morning sickness. We run up the hill to the castle, run back down past the kiosks with glass ornaments (Dude, you can put your weed in there) - onto the ice rink for the 3rd place game. Alf is already on his way back to London, Robbie follows at 5pm. Dan asks me if I know where he can score some weed. No. Tweedy again shows up for the game. Then disappears Later, dinner at Czech restaurant - enjoyed by all. Marty's immune system breaks down and he crashes at 11pm, avoiding questions from Dan. No sign of Raki and Tweedy.

THANKS TO OUR FANS
Great Thanks to our travelling fans Trevor, Baz's wife, Dan and Sam. Our Czech fans Raki's parents, Raki's girl friend, and Marties Dad and family.

THANKS TO OUR SUPPORTING CAST
Baz, Nick and Mike were great, and Mike tried to keep the boys on an even keel and re-live his youth (Forget it Mike no chance). Nick made great moves on and off the ice ducking and diving both the opposition and Trevor, and trying to loose his phone. Now Nick the question is did you ever buy a present for your mother? Seeing Nick shop was like seeing a hillbilly in a NY department store. Nick take some lessons from Bruce! Ahhh on second thought take some lessons from Kevin.

MONDAY
Most people leave. Billy, Dwayne & Marty stay. Swap Pension 44 for Marriot. Dinner at TGI's (Graham, the ribs are killer but come with vegetables), then clubbing, later room service at hotel. Steal mugs & internal cordless phone from a cleaner. When they call the phone to get it back and start tracking it I send it in an elevator to the basement.

No sign of Raki and Tweedy.

TUESDAY
Dwayne leaves, should have left a day earlier for work(?), more late night escapades with Billy & Marty + his Czech friends. We accept the VIP membership for the Jaguar club and then onto some park..... No sign of Raki.

WEDNESDAY
Bill, Marty and his Czech friends watch football, then hockey at Legends sports bar. Start drinking caipirinhas. You know it's gonna be a long night.......No sign of Raki (has he left already?)

THURSDAY
Leave for the airport, huge bill at the Marriot (room service, pay TV, messages/saunas).Teary eyed we bid Prague farewell. Good night, Czech Republic.

THE HOCKEY By Gramps
The hockey was great and we all walked away thinking we were much better than we really are, because of our results. I think the shining moment that will make Simon W fall down from laughter. Throughout the tourney we played our usual game, but the Slovaks had two forwards that could skate like Raki, make plays like Duane and Steph, score like Rob and were aggressive like Alpie and back checked like Kevin. Matter of fact those two guys were equal to our first two lines. They did the stretch and they had a D who could put the puck on the high forward every time, and the weak side winger would drive the net from the other side. In the first game the fastest winger and best player of the tournament was coming down Gramps side (not a good combination) and the best forward in the tournament was coming down on Tweedy. Gramps could keep him to the outside to the hash marks but then it was good bye Charlie or Gramps in this case. When back checking Kev or Steph was on the ice we could handle them, but if not it was a scoring opportunity every time. So before our nest game we had a half hour team meeting and we had all these great plans to contain them, and we step on the ice forget it right back to the old way and Gramps got more wind burn. (Won of the reasons that the plan failed was it needed Raki and Rob to back check). However when all is said and done we did great.

OVERALL
Awesome trip with only hi-lights and no low points (apart from Billy farting the 9th Symphony every night - seriously, he can fart for about 50 seconds non-stop changing volume, scale and accent. And it fucking stinks). Shame more of you couldn't make it but we'll be back. It's rare that we make trips like this because time, commitments and financial obstacles prevent us from terrific bonding experiences like this. I for one appreciate the effort you guys made for attending this trip and extend my regrets to those who couldn't make it (especially Stu, Simon, Dave W., Alan, John, Erki, Roy, Barry, Jacque, Flanners, Rhian, Lydia + all the new guys on our team).

Thanks to Raki, Petr and others who were involved for their part in organizing this. You did a good job, even though I think you now realize that it's not as easy as you thought. Special thanks go to Raki - poor guy nearly had a heart attack when things started going crazy. And yes, we know, you had other things on your mind. Hope you won't forget who your friends are when you get back to England.Here's to more tourneys, events and get-togethers in the future. Go Nados.

And to sum it up Gramps heard Tweedy say at a Guildford Junior club practice, I am never bringing my girlfriend again.

Marty and Gramps

P.S. How about a paintball tournament in Thailand?